The Little Things

This past year has been a learning curve to say the least – it might have well as been the strangest year I have ever faced. I have continually struggled to find the passion that pushes me forward. I find myself struggling to survive more than to really live (“Every man dies, but not every man really lives.” –William Wallace). This is and was always what I have feared in life. I have fallen into the American dream of just surviving to pay bills and trudge through my own existence. I do enjoy and therefore am grateful for my photography, my writing, my family’s love who I am constantly surrounded by, advocating for the fatherless, and somehow feeling like I am progressing/moving forward. I have come a long way in the last year. There is no doubt about that. My goal in life is not to retire but rather to serve others, and I feel that I gamble with people’s lives in my chosen start more than I change them. I am pulled ethically as I quite frankly struggle with a conscious of destroying people’s lives instead of changing them. My mood is quite frankly dispassionate, not depressive but rather stagnant.

I keep praying that God would step in and make change, positive change where I do not question what I do. I know God is pruning my maturity. But I honestly just want to enjoy what I do. And I do not feel bad for that simple wish, request, and prayer.

Two things really still continue to bother me: first, someone I had crush on for several years no longer speaks with me. While many say “move on,” I wish it were that easy for me. Secondly, what I spend the majority of time on seems to strike my own moral fiber in negative sentiments, cognitively questioning myself for what I do day in and day out and why God would have me do something I clearly do not believe in.

I have heard every excuse in the book and been lectured on the fact. “You are fortunate and should be grateful.” “You need to take care of yourself” (still trying to figure out what that means). “You are missing out on your nephew’s life.” “You need to grow up and pay your bills.” “Man, you got a good deal on that truck that gets five miles a gallon.” Sometimes those closest to you provide more discouragement than positive reinforcement. Without giving me advice or frank criticism, why don’t you pray with me? Why not just listen and assist in moving me to a place where I can smile once again? Sometimes it is better just not to say anything. I am realizing there is something about quiet strength to persevere that speaks louder than seeking sympathy from those who fail to give it.

My grandmother may potentially have cancer. My nephew has half a heart and yet still manages to smile. We still sometimes wonder whether he will live day to day. Bigger forces are at work outside of my life; I get it! But that does not change that I simply wish to be happy.

Richard Simmons, the author of his recent book, The True Measure of a Man, warns that we should not be defined by our own workplace but rather our identity through Jesus Christ. But if you are miserable in what you do day to day, then simply existing does not fulfill my passion in Christ. While that may be a selfish mentality, it is genuinely how I feel about the matter.

All I know to do is focus on the small things, like this blog entry, daily prayer, daily reading of the Word, memorizing Scripture, seeking opportunities that may in fact make me smile in hopes that in the near future what I have worked hard for will come to fulfill itself so I can go back to being James and feeling joy that has for quite some time now been lost….hence the video below….what I do not want to happen.

And I mean this with all my being: I will not sacrifice my morals to simply pay bills when I move on from this point in my life. And that is all I have to say about that.

I am focused on the small things because each day a small task is accomplished that works one step closer towards doing something I am passionate about and ethically at peace taking part in.