Relationships, ehhhh?

As a communications major, I just have a habit of analyzing relationships in general. While I have met only two women abroad that I was ever romantically interested in, I cannot help but compare and contrast in my mind the behavior of these two women with women that I have dated or that I just know very well in the states. Please realize that as I write this, there are many perspectives on this issue, and the issue goes both ways in terms of sexes. Females may feel as I do towards men. Who knows?

I asked my host family if divorces were frequent in Peru; they told me that it was very rare for married couples to split. I think as a culture we have made it acceptable to just get a divorce if the mushy feelings evaporate over time that once existed in the relationship. Our culture focuses on the idea of choice. You have a choice to be with someone; you have a choice to break up with someone. Of course, I believe that if you are dating someone casually, you clearly have a choice on the matter, but if you get married or engaged to someone, that is a commitment that needs to be taken seriously. It is not something to quit when things get hard or when the “mushy” romantic feelings are gone after the honeymoon stage. Instead of discouraging such behaviors to quit on a relationship, our society encourages and promotes that getting married and then divorced is okay. In my limited perspective, it is not okay! In fact, if children are ever involved, this should be a very last option. Of course, I understand that spouses may be drug addicts, alcoholics, or abusive physically, and there are exceptions to every rule. It is not okay if your excuse is “just cause.”

When I date a girl, the first thing I evaluate is, “Will she stick by me through thick and then?” And “Is it okay to just be me?” If you find yourself changing consistently for another person, then I would say chances are you should not be with that person. In my last relationship, the girl I dated would often say, “If you were like this, that would be so good” or “if you do this, that would be great.” I found myself actually considering making dramatic life changes, but it was ironic that this particular individual wouldn’t change anything about herself. An example might be if someone has a pet. If your significant other is allergic to the pet, then if you love that person, the choice should be an easy one. Parting with a pet is not necessarily easy, but the choice of a spouse or a pet, at least for me that choice would be easy. This particular person I dated last year was as green as you can get in terms of saving the world and the environment through recycling, That rubbed off on me in a good way, and eventually I started recycling most things that are recyclable. On the other hand, she said that “I have trouble with the fact that you are a Jesus freak.” I could not even believe this was a problem. I thought most mothers of most daughters in the Bible Belt would like to hear such a thing, but for this girl, I was “too religious.” Of course, for these reasons and so much more, it did not work out between us. I do not think changes should be so dramatic that you change the foundations of your personality for the other person, but you must be willing to compromise on any change if a relationship is going to work.

Several girls I have taken out in college fit your American image of “Daddy’s Little Girl.” I sometimes am wary when a girl tells me this because it may signify that Daddy gives me whatever I want (or it could just mean the opposite that I and my Dad are tight). I was told by two Argentine girls that Argentine men are not always the “nicest guys.” Now while I do not know anything about love in Argentine culture, I can speak from my own experience with my love life. I took this particular girl out to dinner and bought her and her comrades some chocolates that maybe cost four American dollars per box. To me, I enjoy giving stuff to people, which seems to be an accepted part of the culture down here. In American culture, if you give something to a girl, it automatically means you are serious or something. It can no longer be for the simple thought of. This girl acted like it was Christmas Eve; she was truly appreciative of my simple gestures of kindness. That is just how I was raised. In the dating culture of the Southern United States, girls and guys alike seem to believe in this idea of choice. We disregard and regard dating relationships without serious deliberation. If a Christian guy pursues any girl, I would hope the consideration is taken seriously without a ridiculous thought, such as “I do not like his hair” or “he doesn’t use Herbal Essences.” For this Argentine female, being a good guy who is willing to pay for an occasional thing meant something. Today in my college experience, being a nice Christian guy who has the potential to lead and become financially successful is not necessarily enough to qualify for a dating package, and what I believe is that solid women and men of God are disappearing in what I consider an endangered species. As time progresses, perhaps more guys are having this realization of impossible dating. In fact, I had a close friend who meet a girl through Eharmony because he was so tired of traditional dating, but he took the filtering process of the site very seriously. People on this site are looking to meet other people (therefore you never get the excuse I do not want to date anyone right now), and if you have things in common, it might not be a bad idea to try Internet dating. My dear friend is getting married to this girl in a couple of weeks, and I wish with all my heart that I could be in the states for his wedding/ Of course, my worldly perspective is being changed by helping children in this Peruvian country; so I consider that a valid excuse to miss a few weddings.

I feel that it is not good enough anymore to be a good Christian person with a strong walk with the Lord to date a girl in American society whereas my experience with two other girls in two other cultures has been quite the opposite. Once both these girls got to know me, “it was almost too good to be true.” While you might find this realization to be a statement of pride, when you grow up with little, you appreciate when you have something, which may be the case for a second or third world country inhabitant. Perhaps as Americans we have it so good that we truly believe in this right to pick and choose mates like cattle in a meat market. A significant other must have twenty-five specific qualifications, and if one is missing, then forget it!

I know some of you may find this entry a bit offensive or perhaps even unnecessary for my experiences in terms of South America, but then again, the everyday acceptance of accepted behavior here is to not get divorced. So perhaps if there is not something to learn in my words, perhaps there is something to be learned by the people of this beautiful country in the examples of their relationships. People are not treated so much as disposable commodities. People in fact keep commitments they make in relationship (ie. marriage). If you commit to anything, commit yourself, or don’t commit yourself at all. If we take such seriously, I am confident our culture would not only change for the better, but as we radically represent the model of a relationship between a loving God and His People, lives would be changed. People could once again learn the enjoyment of simple things. Life is a gift we do not deserve. It is not a conscious choice. You exist because you were chosen to exist for the reason with which you live. You or I would not be who we are if it were not for the relationships of those who have supported us along the way.